LESSONS

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LESSON THIRTEEN

LESSON THIRTEEN

The courage that it takes to stop telling lies can only come from God because lies are protected by a very scary monster of a mother called SECRETS.

I for one know that I have believed that my secrets can kill me. What about you?

We all have secrets and they are scary. Talking about your secrets takes a lot of courage. The fear they instill in you is humongous. Almost as humongous as that hunger for God that I told you about the other day.

The strongholds that I have erected around my secrets are formidable. As I write this lesson and contemplate telling you what else there is about my marriage that will shock you, the strongholds are racing through my mind like formula one cars. The biggest stronghold of all is the question: what will people think?

So far, I have been thinking that I have been able to break that stronghold, having mustered up the courage to tell everything that I have told so far. However, now I realize that I have not broken it because that stronghold works by giving you other things to talk about and convinces you that you do not need to talk about the very thing that you know is the worst of it all.

In this lesson you will hopefully come to realize that secrets can indeed kill you and the only way to stop them is to talk about them.

I myself am a student in this lesson. I read through the previous lessons that I have published so far and I was fine with the content because I knew that there was something I still had not told you about. Now am imagining telling all and I can feel the jitters. I am imagining that someone might kill me. Not that I might die. No. That somebody somewhere will be unable to take me telling what I am about to tell and will then plan to harm me. If I make it to telling you, you will see exactly what I mean.

Because I am such an open person, private conversations are forums in which I can tell you anything you want to know about me as we get to know each other. It is going public that is the problem for me. To achieve that, what I do is tell people about my secret in private and convince myself that the people I have told are the same as if I had announced it on television because those people will no doubt talk about what they heard from me.

The day my husband met his current girlfriend, he told me about her. He told me about how pretty she is. How she is a half caste and, he told me quite a lot about her. I can remember that. But I cannot seem to remember what else he said specifically, what I remember is that it was to the effect that she was from a poor background and she is intelligent and he felt sorry for her and he had decided to give her the job. I remember that he did not at that time tell me his secret which I then later found out, which was that he wanted to date her and he did. I remember very clearly that her name was very difficult for me to remember and if we were talking and I happened to want to say her name, he would have to remind me her name. 

Now you can see from that, where me and you are right now. I have told you a lot about what happened in my marriage. I have told you enough for you to be convinced that there cannot be anything else that I am not telling you. But I am telling you now, that there is something else I have not told you and my not telling you that something else will ensure that you do not quite remember the other things that I have told you.

This is how the mind works. I hope you are still remembering what I said about the chat sessions being about me and my God and not me and my husband. The two are intertwined so closely that I am finding it hard to separate them without having to tell you that thing that I have not told you. I need to separate them because I want to be honest and truthful with you but am scared of what will happen when I tell you.

The fear I have now is equal to the fear my husband had about telling me about his feelings for the new receptionist. He told me all the reasons that made him feel the way he felt, but he did not tell me about the feelings. He stopped short. He took a short-cut and convinced himself that he had told me all that I needed to know and the rest was none of my business. Yes, he told me, during a lecture he gave about the history of his love life, that since I had gone and got myself into things which do not concern me and I want to know the truth, he will tell it to me. This was after he discovered the discovery of his emails with the receptionist he had replaced.

Lies, are half-truths. I told you before that there is no lie without some truth in it and that is why lies are so difficult to detect. You have seen the manner in which our government deals with grand corruption. That is what I am talking about.

Lies corrupt, contaminate, violate the truth in such a way that when you look at the truth, you cannot believe it! It is like looking at Jesus on the cross and being told that He is God. Lies always start with the truth because the truth is the foundation of everything that exists, even lies. They start with the truth and set about covering it up.

Imagine what was going on in my husband’s mind when he was talking to me about this new receptionist he employed. I did not ask him about her. I did not even know about her. He volunteered the information. He chose to come and tell me about her. Why did he do that? He did that because the truth that he was covering up was hurting him and he just had to at least tell me some of it so that he could get to a level of lying to me that he could live with.

This idea that he had formed in his mind that he should come and tell me about the new receptionist worked as a defence and also as an attack. It was a double-edged sword. It was what he would later use to tell me that the receptionist has been through so much hardship in her life and when I found him at her flat, he had gone there to talk to her and nothing more. He shouted at me asking me whether it was possible that in the time it took him to get out of the flat and walk down the stairs after I had called him when I arrived at the flats and lied to him that I was unwell and needed him to come and take me to the hospital, he could possibly have been sleeping with her. It was around 10pm at night and this man is in his receptionist’s flat and his defence is that he went there to talk to her about her problems. When I asked him what problems those were, he said that  I have such a big mouth, he could never tell me. The problems were between just him and her only. How could I not lose my mind? How could such secrets not kill someone’s wife? The secrets between a married man and his lover are secrets that can kill. That’s not even the problem. The problem is that the secrets will not kill anyone else but the man and his lover if only the rest of us can tell the truth about what we saw and heard. Did you get that?

Don’t worry, I will get you exactly where I want you to be when I tell you about my God and what He did for me in my marriage and which convinces me that am special enough to have come back from the dead because my specialty is opening up minds to the truth.

If I do not tell the truth about what I saw and heard and just keep quiet, I will be jeopardizing the lives of many, many people. I know that. But imagine I still find it hard to tell this secret. And when I do, you will understand that the balancing act is a tough one. I have told quite a few people but I still need to just let the whole world know about it so that I can find peace within myself.

I told you that I am on my husband’s side and that I love him. This is the truth. It will be very hard for you to believe that when you read what I have to say but in time, you will see. I want my husband to get saved badly enough to tell the truth and shame the devil. People can impute any motives they want as to why I am telling all this but I can honestly tell you that it is out of love for those same people.

Before I get to it, let me tell you about something that happened recently that convinced me that God is the one who wants me to tell you about this secret.

I travelled to Mombasa with my kids last Friday; after the airport fire. Our flight was at 2pm and it was over-booked, which was not surprising. We got on the flight and took our seats: me, my 3 children aged 6, 3 and 1 and my helper. Then there was a delay and then the cabin crew announced that 6 people needed to volunteer to get off the flight and travel on the later flight at 3.30pm. The truth was that there was a lady and her children who were missing seats on the flight and she had completely refused to get off the flight and take the next one. It appears that she felt that she was entitled to fly because she had children travelling with her and so those who already had seats, needed to disembark and let her travel. The choice that was given to us who had seats was that we either volunteer to get off, or the flight would be cancelled. We had just about 10 minutes to make a decision because if the flight did not leave within that time, the pilot would be violating some law because he had been on duty since 4.45am that morning.

I weighed my options, just like everyone else and amazingly, I, a mother of 3 decided to get off. The others just stayed put. But its understandable because me getting off meant 4 free seats whereas anyone else getting off meant just 1 free seat and we did not have time. It was an emergency of sorts. When I imagined the flight being cancelled and us not getting another flight because flights were already problematic with the recent fire, and then I imagined what I would tell my 3 beautiful,  wonderful, excited kids about why we did not go to Mombasa when we got back to the house, I made a quick decision and just told my helper and my kids to get off the plane and we did. None of the kids complained. I watched how that event unfolded and I knew that God was talking to me about something. I wondered whether this was those times a plane crashes and you appear on the news telling about how you got off at the last minute and had a near death experience which then changes your life. Other people talk about it for a while and then we all go back to the same old thing. No, it wasnt like that at all. You will see why. Be patient with the truth.

The plane did not crash, it arrived safely. I had a friend who was travelling on the same flight. She is a recently appointed judge and when I spoke to her later, she told me that everyone on the plane was shocked by what I did and they were desperate for me to know how thankful they were that I had saved the flight from being cancelled for their sakes and taken my kids off the plane so that another woman and her kids could travel thereby neutralizing the justification that had been used to threaten their future. The JUDGE! Are you hearing me? God is our judge. He spoke to me through that Judge and He told me that me and my children would be blessed mightily for what I did on that flight.

Just keep reading, you are about to see that I am truly a woman of God and that my God is God when your mind likens what happened on that plane with what I am about to do and what happens next. I am letting God be the judge. Letting go to let God. Don’t judge the truth, let the truth judge itself. You will be pleasantly surprised.

There is a GOD and HE DOES NOT SLEEP. I am proud to say that He is my God. I am also proud to say that I am doing what I am about to do for Him. This is where my story separates from being about me and my husband and becomes about me and my God.

Brace yourselves. I am about to do exactly what I did on that plane. God showed me that the consequences of what I am about to do will save the future of many, just like it saved the future of those on the plane who were just about to get their flight cancelled, if I had not walked out. 

I have no idea how those people ended up on the same plane as I did but God knows.

I have no idea what my husband will do when he reads this, if he reads it, but God knows.

I am scared to death to do this, but I fear God more because I live by His grace alone. I fear only Him.

It’s a long story, let us go to the next lesson.

Summary for This Lesson:-

Everything you ever wanted in life is within your reach if you can just stop waiting for miracles and learn to read the signs by choosing truth over lies.

Tip for this lesson:-

Take courage my friend. There is no power greater than God. He is bigger than anything and everything. He will fight it all and give you victory. Trust Him.

LESSON TWELVE

LESSON TWELVE

I am really looking forward to the chat session coming up and preparations are already under way.

At that session, the quorum necessary is only 2 people. I will definitely be there and I know it is God’s will that I am. If one other person shows up, we will be able to do what is required. God only needs a minimum of 2 people to attend a meeting of minds and do something spectacular.

The focus at the chat session will be on our minds and what we can be able to do with them, if only we refuse to lie, no matter what. I will go first and am sure when you see what happens to me, you will be falling over each other to give it a try then we can pair up everyone and do it all over again together. I told you it will be fun. Child-like fun.

This is what life is all about; mind games.

The journey that I am on, on the Highway to Heaven, is a journey as deep within myself as I can go which I am sure is to infinity and beyond! I am hoping that at least one other person is willing to join me in this journey because I cannot go alone. The minimum number required is 2 people.

I have put my hope and trust in Jesus to make the quorum and maintain it for as long as is needed for us to reach our goal of getting people to change their minds and agree to stop lying and tell the truth. I know that I will not be disappointed. Jesus is a crowd puller.

The idea is for me to expose myself to a battery of questions about myself and to answer the questions as truthfully as possible, making every effort to be completely honest. The other person/people will be the ones asking the questions.

I have never met anyone as open as me when it comes to talking about life. Actually I believe that my openness is the secret weapon God inserted in me when He created me and it is the one that caused the Holy Spirit to come running to my rescue in that hospital room.

God is light. In Him, there is no darkness at all. God is looking for someone who will not scatter off like a cockroach when the lights come on. He is looking for someone to be the light that shines brightly in the darkness that this world has become. Someone who is defenseless and willing to take the blame and be accused of anything because it is when we are weak, that He is strong.

I am so open that when my sister-in-law heard about what was happening in my marriage, she said that the thing that would destroy our marriage was my big mouth. That was what my husband told me she said and he emphasized just how emphatic his sister was when she made that declaration to demonstrate that I was the problem, not him.

I was shocked but by that time, I had heard so much of that kind of reasoning, I was quickly able to understand what she meant and am sure that by now you understand what she meant. And you might agree with her. I do not know what too much talking is when it comes to telling people about what I have experienced in life. I am like a little child on that. You know how little children are so open to the point of embarrassment? I am like that about myself. I enjoy being honest. I love the feeling it gives me to tell everyone about what I saw!

Women who live on the Highway to Heaven know that talking is what God wants them to do.

That is why He has always used messengers and prophets. He inspired people who could talk to write the books of the Bible which some people are unable to read from cover to cover because it is too big. Jesus could talk all day until the people He was talking to were hungry and exhausted! Look at how pastors and teachers of the Word behave. Some of them talk us to sleep and others talk us out of church but they are all talkers.

God wants us to tell about what we have seen and heard. In fact, He expects us to do that. Obviously some level of decorum and civility is required but as obscene as the world is, avoiding being graphic can be a tough call. Even just talking about the crucifixion of Jesus rouses some unpleasant emotions on the listeners.

According to my sister-in-law, my reaction was the problem, not my husband’s actions. I was in a tight, tight corner. The blame fell squarely on me. I was the woman of the home. It was my duty to ensure that my home is intact. Even the Bible says that somewhere, doesn’t it? So because I was the woman of the home, my husband could do whatever he very well pleased and it was up to me to ensure that whatever he did was kept private between just me and him and no one else knew about it. I hope you can see just how chaotic a mind that can reason like that really is.

How can sleeping around with other women be private between you and your wife? But it is, isn’t it? We don’t talk about it, do we? Do wives talk about their husbands sleeping around? No. Never. Everyone else can talk but no, not the wife. She has to protect his dignity as the father of her children whereas he can do whatever he pleases with her dignity as the mother of his children. I was expected to understand that. I just couldn’t. That’s why I had to give in. The pressure was too much for me.

I don’t know how many times my husband repeated that statement about keeping the problem private, saying it in so many different ways and each time leaving me in ?!@#!!! He called his sleeping around ‘our problem’. For instance, he could ask me whether so and so knows about ‘our problem’. And then if someone he was complaining to about me not performing the wifely duties I used to perform told him that perhaps he needs to do right by me so that I can reciprocate, he would say that the problem between him and me is private, just between me and him and if I ask him to do anything he can choose whether or not to do it. That was his prerogative. He could not understand why I changed when I found out about his affairs!

I was supposed to continue doing what I always did because anyway, nothing had changed except for me knowing something I did not know but which was still happening when I did not know it and I still did those things that I was now refusing to do!

Maintain focus please.

Are you seeing just how long a sentence I have to write to describe how a lying mind thinks? What we want to do at our chat sessions is to shorten the answers to questions about life. By doing so, the explanations, justifications, excuses, arguments, debates and discussions, in other words, STRONGHOLDS, that I am unable to identify on my own, can be identified in the presence of God without whom such a venture would be futile.

In the process, you will help me become more open than I already am; imagine that. Me, being more open than I already am with you? What does that mean? How much more open can a mind be? Might I then be able to tell you things about yourself that you never told me? You just never know. I don’t want to guess but I think this is an experiment that you do not want to miss.

A simple question like: How old are you? Has become such an issue to deal with that people don’t want to be asked that question! Why? Think about this particular question. What’s wrong with people knowing your age? If you are a person whom such a question makes uncomfortable, you should be able to picture the strongholds that go through your mind when you contemplate an answer to that question. Even if for you the question is not private, you have an idea why some people are private about their age. Can you see the strongholds?

Do you realize that there are some people who actually believe that when they sleep with others who are younger than them, that makes them younger? And so for them the age question is such a problem because they don’t know their age or rather, their age is determined by the age of the person they are sleeping with?!

My assignment is not an easy one but it is one that is very easy for me because God has given me everything I need, to do His will. He has given me a spirit of power and of a sound mind. And so, I can do this.

Try me. 

Summary for This Lesson:-

Talking is your God-given right and do not let anyone take it away from you. Just say what you need to say. God will protect you as long as you are telling the truth.

Tip for this lesson:-

Practice talking to yourself about something private as if you are praying. How does it feel to talk? It should be liberating. If you cannot talk to anyone about it, tell God. He already knows.

LESSON ELEVEN

LESSON ELEVEN

Every last Saturday of every month from 3.30pm-5pm, starting Saturday 31^st August 2013,  I will be holding chat sessions for those who are reading this blog to come and meet together and chat about the blog.

At the sessions, I will meet with you, tell you more about me and answer any questions you may have for me.

For those who cannot make it, do not despair, I will let you know what’s happening. 

For those who can make it, do not despair, you will not be named or shamed. I do not keep secrets about myself but I greatly respect the privacy of others who entrust their secrets to me.

I am here to help. Come and let us reason together. With God’s help, I can help you.

Let us discuss the truth about the lies. Let us agree on what we can do to save our marriages (the ones we have and the ones we don’t have) and our children from being destroyed by lies.

Women who live on the Highway to Heaven, live on the bottom-line. The bottom-line is where the truth is. Let us get to the bottom-line together and see what’s there. This is the adventure of your life-time. Do not be left behind.

This is an open invitation. Anyone who wants to come is welcome.

Men are most welcome. We need you. Yes, we do. Honestly, we do.

Critics are welcome. We need you. Yes, we do. Honestly we do.

Non-Christians are welcome. We need you. Yes, we do. Honestly we do.

Please send me an email confirming your attendance. Venue and dress code will be communicated later. Oh yes, we have to have a dress code. I want to see drop dead gorgeous people at the sessions. It is going to be fun. 

Life is meant to be fun, lots of fun.

Entertainment for kids will be arranged so you can bring them if you like. Transport by air, land or sea can be arranged if needed and if the numbers allow.

This blog is not about me and my husband, it is about me and my God. If you think my God is awesome, then dress to impress this awesome God. I love dressing to impress God. Consider these sessions a date with your Maker and if you have to borrow an outfit and make-up and all, you do it!

God before us, we shall succeed and make this world a better place to live in. Imagine a world where people tell the truth always. Religion and denomination do not matter. God is our God; all of us together. That's how come we are here together.

Do I hear anyone wanting to sponsor the sessions? Please email me if you like my blog and can help with anything.

Our own Heaven on Earth.  God can do it for us. He wants so much to do it for us. We cannot do it but God can do it. All praise and honour and glory to Him because He is the one who is able. Not us.

It starts with us believing and saying YES, it can be done. Let us do it for us. Not for anyone else. For US. We deserve it. We are the ones who are here now. Let us change for ourselves, not for an imaginary future generation.

Woohoo!! The Year of Jubilee is here and it’s happening in Kenya!! I knew there was something special about this country of ours. Let us be the first nation to welcome the truth in, around and among us.

Hallelujah! God is GOOD.

Summary for This Lesson:-

A lot more can be talked about than that which can be written about. This world is ours. Let us take possession and responsibility for all that is ours. Let us choose truth over lies.

Tip for this lesson:-

Just come as you are. Just be ready for change because God, will change you.

LESSON TEN

LESSON TEN

No human being can satisfy the insatiable hunger for love that people demand and expect from each other. I did not know what my husband wanted from me! I even went for Luo classes believing that maybe if I spoke Luo as well, he would hear me! Now that I have changed and found what I was looking for without him, I see what my husband was hungry for, making all his monumental demands on me. It is so clear to me that I could not have done anything for him to be satisfied, equally as much as he could have done nothing for me to be satisfied.

What I wanted him to do would not have ever been enough. Not ever. My demands were equally as impossible to meet as his were. The way he must have seen it is that I wanted him to die for me. And that’s true really. He told me that he needed his happiness to survive! I had no idea what that meant at the time but now I understand fully. We were at a place where, according to him, what I wanted, would kill him by taking away all meaning from his life and according to me, what he wanted, would kill me by taking away all meaning from my life! Stalemate! Someone had to give and that someone was me.

I had to choose between my husband and my life. I chose my life. I have no regrets. I only have one life but husbands, I can have many. I am sure that is exactly what he told himself when he decided to go shopping for a second wife. He must have said, I only have one life but wives, I can have many. And off he went. He started, I followed. I am his wife. I am entitled to equal rights with him. The same basis on which he makes decisions about our marriage is the same basis on which I make decisions about our marriage.

The truth is that we want to see something different but we do not want to be the difference. We need a change in our lives yet, we do not want to change. We want everything else, anything, whatever, to change while we stay the same. As surely as you will not change is as surely as your life will not change. Be very clear on that when you say that you cannot, will not, wont, don’t want to, change. When you refuse to change, you will find yourself in many different situations, but your circumstances will always be the same.

The reason the hunger my husband and I had is so big and desperate and uncontrollable is because it is for something equal in size. Can you imagine something as humongous as what you feel inside of you that you are unable to satisfy? Are you longing for a job? Or to be rich? Or a spouse? Or children? Or to be healed? Or for your kids to behave themselves? Or for your wife or husband to just do this or that? How much sex, money, food, alcohol, etc will it take to satisfy that hunger? Can you please stop and listen for a minute?! Stop whatever it is you are doing. Stop it! It will never satisfy you. It will kill you.

I want to tell you here and now that that big hunger for what you just don’t know how to get can be satisfied.

God’s love is so wide, deep, long, immeasurable that trying to get a human being to satisfy it is foolishness at its best. I was foolish to think that my husband could satisfy my need for God’s love. My husband knew that I could never satisfy the hunger he had in him and so he looked for anything and everything he could find to diminish me and justify what he was doing. And most men would agree with him. And I do not blame them. It is true, the hunger is greater than anything anyone can ever imagine. It is huge.

We all have it by the way. It is not just men or just women or just who. It is in all of us regardless of sex, age, education level, whatever distinctions the world claims there to be. We are all the same on this one.

That hunger is a hunger that has suffered an identity crisis since the beginning of time. Nobody seems to know what to do with it. Nobody understands it. Nobody knows what it is. It’s hard to explain it but when you look at what kinds of messes people are making of their lives today, you will see what I mean. People are out of their minds, drinking, smoking, taking drugs, joining gangs, committing heinous crimes, raving, driving at obscenely high speeds, visiting and working in brothels, adulterating, fornicating, overeating to obscene obesity, making pornography of all types, swinging, killing themselves and each other, I mean, it’s that huge. This hunger! It has led people to insanity.

I am here to tell you that what we hunger for is God. That’s why the hunger is so unbelievably huge. But can you just imagine that God is bigger and greater than that hunger? He can satisfy it. He is infinite. Nobody can take His place in your life. Nothing can take His place in your life. When you try to fit a person in God’s place, you will either kill that person or she or he will kill you. One of you will die. If you try to fit a thing in God’s place, goodness gracious me, what you will get is the height of madness. You’ve seen it.

I am also here to tell you that God’s Word is true and it is in the Bible. Read the Bible and pray about this hunger. Pray long and hard. Tell God what you need. Ask Him to satisfy it. Trust Him. If you really beg for it and you are willing to change and you have tried everything you can imagine and nothing worked so that you genuinely want His help and no one else’s, AND YOU ARE NOT LYING, and you are persistent and when you can say: You Lord are all I have, you give me everything I need, my future is in Your hands, and mean it, He will satisfy you.

You have to beg because He is God and you are not. His ways are not our ways and His timing is perfect and He knows everything. You cannot get His help easily. I told you what I had to go through. I begged for months; crying uncontrollably. He will help you if you are willing to walk behind Him. Not in front or beside Him. Behind Him. You have to agree to follow Him. You have to let Him go before you and patiently wait while He prepares you for the journey ahead before you set off. When He goes before you He prepares the way for you. He levels the mountains and makes a smooth road for you. Humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up. God does not tolerate any rivals. You must be willing to love Him with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and do everything the Bible says you should do.

Women who live on the Highway to Heaven have begged God and He has answered them and they have no doubt that He satisfies.

When I left the hospital room where I was rehabilitated, I changed my physical appearance. God told me to, and I did. No more excuses about how I don’t like make up, styling my hair is too cumbersome, I will shop when I travel, I don’t like shopping etc. I started wearing make-up, cleared my wardrobes of everything old and drab and gave them away, shopped for new things, started taking myself for pampering every Saturday morning: massage, body scrub, mani-pedi, facial; the works; started growing my hair, which I am now plaiting. Filled my bathroom with body sprays and perfumes and even bought foot cream!!!

I explored the salons and spas around where I lived and would treat myself often with a treatment or other. I did it all for me. I, as in me; I did it and I did it for me. That point is important. You do it for you. Not for him or for her or for them. No, for you. You do what you want for you. It is only you who knows what you want. If you want someone else to do it, you have to compromise on timing and quality and many other things. Now I just love myself the way I want to be loved.

I became lovely because I had found love. And I found it, in me. I loved me. Loved me. Its almost like a song. Can you sing it? I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me, I love me. Any tune you want. And sing it every time you want to hum something.

The best way to love yourself, is to love yourself. I think you get me now right? Ok, look; before, I wanted someone to love me the way I wanted to be loved and sat there waiting for the love I wanted to come from someone. That’s what I was doing that was killing me. That’s what took me to that hospital room. I was looking for someone to whom I would matter enough. Someone who would be there for me always. All the time. No compromise. Perfect timing. Always exceeding my expectations. Someone who would die for me. If someone is willing to die for me, me, the fornicator, liar and whatever, then I matter enough to them, don’t I? Yes, I think that’s the formula for measuring how much you matter to someone. I was looking for God, but I thought that He was human. No human will ever satisfy your need for God. Only God can satisfy that need. The minute you realize that, you are saved.

Saved from needing something you cannot ever get. Saved from asking for something no one can give you. Saved from searching. Saved from lying. Saved from hiding. Saved from wondering. Saved from dying. So when I tell you I am saved, this is what I mean. I am home. I have reached. This is it for me. Jesus is it for me. I am satisfied.

Summary for This Lesson:-

Look inside and identify the hunger within you. Pray and read your Bible and you will be saved from the horrible effects of spiritual starvation.

Tip for this lesson:-

God can only satisfy a hunger that can kill. That is the hunger to look for.

LESSON NINE

LESSON NINE

You have to be so determined to be different and not to end up like your ancestors that you are willing to die for the sake of seeing the difference that your ancestors never made. I hope you got that point. It is important. I am changing so that I can see who my mother could have been, had she changed.

When you choose to change, you are venturing into the unknown and the unknown is very, very, uncomfortable. You are going into something that no eye has seen and no ear has heard. Something that God has kept aside specially for those who love Him.

You have to allow yourself to change. It’s hard because you are so used to being you but it’s the same as you did when you were a child: learning to sit, then stand, then walk, then talk. We’ve all been there. You do not have to imagine the bliss of being a child. You have experienced it and survived it. Go for it. You are still there. You are still learning. You are a work in progress. You can only progress if you change. Change you, not him or her or them or it. Change you. You have to be like a little child. They just sit, and walk and talk, and climb and grow….they just change and they believe that the change is good for them even though they don’t understand how. And they change no matter their situations.

The unknown is like a fornicator deciding to stop sleeping with an adulterer, not because adultery is wrong, but because fornication is wrong. Yes, I had to decide that the foundation of my marriage was all wrong and it started with fornication, not adultery. My marriage was built on sinking sand and, it sank! Not surprising.

You have to dig deep inside yourself to the source of the problem and pull it out hard and painfully. The problem is in you, not anywhere else. It is you! Once you know that, and you want to solve the problem badly enough, you will be willing to take the pain of extracting from you, the source of the problem. To extract the source of the problem, you must reverse the process that got you there in the first place and start afresh.

Separating from my husband was not easy. It never is. Most people are not willing to start again. They just want to persevere and hide and pretend that it’s ok. That is why so many marriages are so messed up. Nobody wants to accept the blame for getting us to where we are today. Not the men, not the women. The truth is that whoever takes the blame, has to be the one to change and heh!! Me, I change? Let him/her change first, then I will think about it! In the meantime, our children are growing up and ending up just like us. When will this stop?

It stops with me. I will not hide and pretend that everything is ok. It is not ok. That is the truth. I admit that I did some things that were wrong and I am willing to take the blame for allowing us to get to where we are now.  

Women who live on the Highway to Heaven are always willing to take the blame because their Saviour took the blame for everything when He had done nothing and He was beaten, whipped, stabbed, mutilated, cut up, thrashed, nailed, jeered at, insulted, abused, mocked and crucified when He had done nothing AT ALL.

Now imagine the Spirit of such a man living in you. What can you not take? You can take it. Tell them to bring it on. Yes, it is your fault. While you were working, you didn’t cook. You didn’t sit and eat with the children. You lied. You didn’t go to church. You gloated. You looked down on people. You this. You that. You whatever. It’s ok. I could take it and I did. And am still standing. It was my fault. I got myself in there. And I got myself out.

Many people believe in God. But few are the number of those who believe God. I believe that every word that is written in the Bible is true. For most of my life, I have been searching for the truth. Who knows where the truth is? Gosh, the day I realized that the truth is in the Bible, I was flabagasted. How? What is it about the Bible that is the truth?

Well I really cannot explain it to you. You just have to experience it for yourself. The Word of God is alive and active, sharper than a double-edged sword. The Word is a spirit. It permeates into your mind and does things in there much like medicine. A doctor prescribes some pills, you take them and they go into you and voila! Problem solved. It is the same with the Bible except that the Bible heals you through and through – body, mind, spirit, soul, everything. From the inside, out.

Being able to write about my experience in my marriage, like the way I had written ‘mind boggling’ is one of the things I have had to do to heal myself. I believe it is a big part of the reason that I survived my marriage. Yes, it is still all about me and it will never be about any-one else, ever again. Not even about my children. They can take it. I am their mother. Superwoman is their mother. What cant they take? If my husband looked at me and saw that I was capable of increasing my level of responsibility and become a combination of a boss, a working mother, stay at home mum, full time house wife, taking care of my family and his family and whatever else he so desired, and ON TOP OF ALL THAT, endure the pain of him sleeping around, then I must be superwoman!!

People see you as you really are. Even the ones who hate you and especially them. They are in your life for a very special purpose. They tell you who you should be. Listen. They know. They tell it like it is. Don’t hear them; listen to them. They are telling the truth. You should be all that. Yes, you are in fact all that they expect you to be. Be it. Don’t hold it against them. Just be it and let them see it. It will burn them inside to see you be that which they say you ought to be and you appear not to be. Imagine that! I am becoming superwoman. But not for him. For me.

Do it for you, not them. Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good. Love your enemies and do good to those who persecute you. I listened to my husband and I knew that I needed to become better in some way. I just did not know what way that was until I decided to be different from my mother and even his mother and left that hospital room and my whole past behind me.

Summary for This Lesson:-

Don’t be afraid. Change is safe. You can always change and if you do not like the change, you can change again. It’s child-like fun to change. Go on, try it. Take the blame and change.

  

Tip for this lesson:-

Listen to everything your critics say about you no matter how they say it. They hold the key to who you will become if you change. Change to become that which they say you are not and should be.

LESSON EIGHT

LESSON EIGHT

  

I consider it to have been the greatest privilege ever accorded to me by anyone when the Holy Spirit, out of great love for me visited me in that hospital room and slapped me hard across my face and told me to GET MYSELF TOGETHER!

I am special. I know that now and I shudder to think why the Holy Spirit chose me out of all the other patients admitted in that hospital. Why save me? What does He want from me? What will happen if I make one wrong move again? Oh God! Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is that I was chosen. The rest is not for me to know. I was chosen because God had an assignment for me when he created me and the Holy Spirit made it clear to me that my assignment must be completed. God must complete the work He started in me.

You see, because God is God, He can choose who to save and who not to save. I have pleaded with Him many times to save my husband. Yes, I have. I love my husband. He is my husband. I have no intention of divorcing him. He is the father of my children. I want him to be saved. I want him to change like me. I want a fresh start. I am on his side even though it may not look like it. I can look beyond the foolish things he did and how he almost killed me. I truly can. The things he did do not matter now that I have changed.

It sounds crazy but from where I am now, I clearly needed him to do those things. How else would I have gotten here? This perspective only comes to those who can understand and know that he did not know what he was doing. He still doesn’t. But it is ok with me. I consider him my learning instrument. God has taught me everything I know now, through my husband. It is not just about my husband. I don’t want anyone to go to hell. Sometimes I may feel like they should be in hell but when all is said and done, heaven is a place where seeing the faces of some people who you think deserved to go to hell is part of the joy. 

Women who live on the Highway to Heaven are ready and willing to pop open the champagne when the prodigal sons and daughters finally come to their senses and stop dining with pigs and return home to their Father. The first in time are the last in line in Heaven.

The process that goes on in your mind in order for you to bow down to God is like getting a camel through the eye of a needle. Just imagine what you have to do for that to happen. The amount of thinking it would take. And you cannot consult; it is you, not anyone else, who has to get that camel through that eye of that needle. You look at the camel……………then you look at the needle and what else is there to think about? It can never be done right? People just cannot take that amount of thinking. By the time they get to one minute of thinking about all the lies that exist in their lives and how those lies can be undone, they give up. The reason my mind was under attack is because my enemy knew that I have an exceptional mind. I can see the world differently from others around me. Isn’t that how mad people are? They have peculiar minds.

It is a very sad state of affairs that we are in. The lies have become so many that every human being alive today cannot imagine surviving without lying. We now believe that we have to lie to survive and that in itself is a lie! We have been going round and round in one big circle, from cycle to cycle, from the beginning of time and for all those trillions of years, we are still lying to ourselves that we need lies to survive!

I got my camel through the eye of the needle. It took a lot of thinking and contemplating and wondering and worrying and…….I mean, it was a struggle. Thankfully I was so desperate that I was willing to try anything at all. Thankfully, what I tried, worked like magic. I have told you how I did it. It was not easy. When I try to imagine how my husband would do it, I go blank. Can you see yourself doing it? You can do it. Its not easy. But even what you are doing now is not easy. Is it?

Not by power or might but by the Holy Spirit. You don’t have the power but you can make a choice that will give you the power. God is on your side, even though it may not look like He is. He wants to save you so badly but His commands cannot be broken, even by Him. He keeps His Word even if He has to die for it to stand true. He can save anyone as long as you are willing to choose to listen to what He says and believe it to be the truth. If you are not willing, He is unable. This is the only thing that God cannot do. By His own will, He made it that way.

He only wants those who want Him as He is and not as they would like Him to be. I do not want anyone who does not want me as I am and only as he would like me to be. So I understand God. If I am not good enough, it’s ok. Find someone else. The wonderful thing about God is that He is more than enough. He is El Shaddai. God’s love for me is incomparable. I go to Him for everything. I learned to talk to Him about whatever it was that I needed to tell my husband which if I told him was a completely wasted effort. God actually heard me and He always told me what I needed to do so that the discomfort I had would go away. Being loved by someone who knows you better than yourself is wonderful. It is heavenly bliss. 

I am not claiming innocence. I hope that is clear. By God’s standards, I have fallen short by light-years; in many ways. The Holy Spirit told me that a fornicator cannot complain about adultery! That is the truth. A door is either open or closed. All you need is a foothold on that door and you, and your descendants are done. My willingness to change was greatly motivated by precisely the fact that I was willing to accept my own sins, confess them and repent of them. If I couldn’t do that, how can I expect anyone else, and especially my husband, to do it? But I am not waiting for my husband to change. I am letting the situation change me. The situation can remain the same. Doesn’t matter anymore whether it changes or it doesn’t change. Life goes on regardless and I am living with it.

My ancestors left some wide open doors in my life which I now have to close. The doors are closed very easily. You just have to choose to be different. You just have to see what happened to others before you and say, no, not to me. I will not end up like that and so I will not do the same. You cannot do the same and end up different! That is a big fat lie! You reap what you sow.

The difference is not in how you sow but in what you sow. If you sow maize, you will reap maize. Doesn’t matter if you sow one seed or ten or thousands, in rows or columns or circles or whatever manner you want to sow them. There are some rules in this world, which were not made to be broken. You reap what you sow is one of them. Take it or leave it, it is the truth and it will not budge no matter how much effort you put into trying to break it. Do not be deceived. Save your energies for more productive ventures. Those ventures are there and they will give you what you are looking for.

You will still reap maize as long as you sow maize, no matter how you sow it. Don’t be deceived. You hurt others in pursuit of your own pleasures and you will get hurt too and the pain will be yours alone. Do not think that those around you who are doing the same or who love you so much they will stand by you no matter what you do will take the heat with you. The pleasure was yours and the pain will be yours, ALONE. Sin is pleasurable but only for a season.

You cannot get away with it. No one ever did and no one ever will. You will get what is coming to you and as much as you think you can take it, the truth is that without God, you cannot take it. Even your loved ones cannot take it. The force with which your sins come back to you! You need to be there to get it. I could not believe how my few sins had imploded and exploded on me so suddenly, without warning! It is a pathetic, pitiful sight to watch your loved one paying for their sins, their own and the inherited ones, and not be able to help them. I have been there; on both sides. Watching and being watched. I know.

Whatever happens to your loved ones who will not listen should not lead you into despair. They were God’s gift to you and whatever their purpose was in your life will still be achieved. Trust God. He can do the impossible to imagine things. Hallelujah! When God helps you, He does not take you out of a situation, no, He takes you out of sin. And when God helps you, you will never be the same again. He takes you to another level all together where, like Joseph, you completely forget your suffering. Suffer now and enjoy later or enjoy now and suffer later. Its up to you.

Let go to let God. He will mesmerize you with what He can do. Watch Him work on you, renewing and transforming the way you think, while you are still living. It is the best life you can ever have. And you do not have to die to start afresh. You can start afresh any time you decide to. It is your choice to make.

I have made my choice. I am starting afresh, with or without my husband, it shall be done. In Jesus’ Name, it shall be done. I will reach my destiny. I am alive today by the grace of God and that grace truly is amazing. I wake up every day thanking God that I am alive and well and saved. It’s going to be a wonderful life. My better days are ahead of me. God is not a God of nostalgia.

Summary for This Lesson:-

The choice is yours to make.

Tip for this lesson:-

Don’t think yourself wise, no; think yourself foolish, only then can wisdom reach you.